I went out last night with an older friend of mine; between munching peppered gizzard and cabbage, we started talking about colonialism and institutionalized racism, which led us to acknowledging the distasteful things some of our people do and take for granted that cannot be blamed on anything or anyone. It was just bad behaviour that could neither be justified (for most people) nor excused (in most instances).
“How do you mean?” I had asked interestedly.
“Take for instance, something that is seen here ever so often, even here on the island. In broad daylight, a guy whips out his penis and starts to urinate in public in the full glare of passers-by. He doesn’t even care enough to even face the bushes, he faces the roads, unfazed. Isn’t that what an animal would do? When my dog need to pee when out for a walk, it does the exact same thing – it spreads apart its thighs – not caring when or where – and urinates.
And yet that person would take great offence to being likened to an animal by anyone (especially another of a different race). The irony being that by his very own actions, he, as a coherent and functioning adult, chooses to acts as one. Such a one would be quick to play the racism card, but racism with all its evils cannot be blamed for such base bad behaviour- especially in Nigeria.”
That got me sha… into a deep long pause. How do you argue with that?
First of all, before one forms any kind of retaliatory argument, let us acknowledge that the social behaviour of many of those within some of our social circles, is NOT an accurate representation of those of the average Nigerian. The “nice” part of Lagos is still a very small part of a very big Nigeria. In the same vein, the people who actually practice proper social etiquette amongst those who live in these so called “nice” parts of Lagos kpaakpaa are fewer still…
Now you get the idea.
Even in these so called “nice” places, many men are assaulting and traumatizing innocent civilians with their flaccid kplaskpekus all in the name of relieving themselves. Oga, we know thou art the undisputed King of the Jungle, we no wan see ya beans… biko enter bush. As if doing that is not bad enough, some would then take their sweet time, throw their head back (to collect fresh breeze) and do the “shake” – i.e. that action of shaking the thing left-and-right vigorously, (I don’t know what you people are shaking there) sending unruly droplets of pee flying like acid rain.
That was how one day I was discussing with my designer outside my house. Opposite my house was a field of grass in an empty plot of land. I had parked my car on that side of the street. Suddenly two well-dressed guys in a car arrived and parked their car directly in front of mine. No biggy.
The guy in the passenger side strolled out of the car and started fiddling with his pants. Small biggy wan dey here sha o…
Then he unzipped his pants and brought out his kplaskpekus from that his smelling nyansh…
(*insert question* Ahan Isio! How you take know say em yansh dey smell?)
Abeggi! Make we leave matter for Matthias. Pesin wey do the kain tin wey this man do MUST get smelling nyansh.
Ehen, as I was saying… this fellow brought out his kplaskpekus in front of my designer and I (my designer is male by the way), and started urinating on the tyre of my car. Walahi, not only did he pour an alarmingly voluminous quantity of wee-wee on it, he had the audacity to do the “shake” – sending those yama-yama droplets flying!
I was speechless, perplexed, shocked, horrified, flabbergasted, assaulted, traumatized and just… nahhh! Whatever gist my designer and I were gisting just vamoosed with the speed of light out of our brains and out of the universe sef.
WHATTTT?! What did I just see? LIQUID?! PISS?! On my property? HOW? WHO? WHY?! Trust me na, the Niger Delta in me just resurrected! My designer could see the charge coming forth and gave me the Isio-please-ignore-him look. Ignore kini? I no gree… I queried Mr Piss-piss in my most thunderous “conkest” Nigerian accent…
“HELLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOO! HEIZZZ! OGA! WOTISDIZ?! AHAN?! How can you come down from YOUR car to come and pour your piss on my tyre?! Why didn’t you face the empty bush BESIDE you or better still, POUR it on your own tyre?!!!! Ahannnn, please I don’t like it!”
“Oh my God, I am so sorry!” he sputtered his apologies, fumbling with his pants- now clearly embarrassed.
Ehen… so you can feel shame? Strange you felt no shame whipping out your thing, but you are embarrassed to be called out on it abi? Na wa for some people sha.
Then his friend flew out of the car and offered a half-hearted apology while whisking his friend away and hurriedly crossed the street, away from me – both looking at me with suspicious eyes, like I was a strange one who came from a planet where civilized human beings didn’t go around peeing on other people’s cars in public. Like, duhhhhh?! Earthlings pee on tyres, what planet are YOU from? Yes, that kind of suspicious eye.
Apparently, he was the suitor of one of the girls in the next building.
“Abeg carry your smelling kplaskpekus commot for road, oni’doti.” I said nothing out loud but wrinkled my fierce displeasure at both fleeing men. Few minutes later, I took my anti-bacterial spray, insecticide and anointing oil to disinfect and anoint my car with the blood of Jesus. I tried not to grumble while at it. Because I still didn’t understand how a human being could do such a thing— when you are not an evil spirit. Oga o!
It is very unusual, and relative to the opposite sex, highly uncommon, but there are some women who open their legs yakataaa and semi-squat across narrow gutters to emit a stinging spray of urine in public. God is watching all of you, ye destroyers of our eco-system. Polluting our gutters and wondering why all the tadpoles have died in Lagos.
In short, methinks there is only one justifiable reason under the sun to ever wee-wee in public: your bladder wan burst, but no toilet within a 5-mile radius. Then by all means, offload your liquid into the nearest bush and while at it, kindly hide yaself from view of innocent people waka-passing. SIMPLE!
There is simply no excuse to brandish your privates (male/female) to the world just because you need to urinate.
So now I throw this question to you all – how can you justify such behaviour? As an offender, pray tell – and as a good citizen of this great nation who is sick and tired of being assaulted by visions of kplaskpekuses you wished you never saw. Can you justify adults urinating in full glare of the public?